He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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