so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
