I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
