If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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