the condom got lost in my hair
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
