My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
