I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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