I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
