i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
