to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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