You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
