i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
