her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
