No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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