I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
