I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
whose ass print is on the piano?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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