I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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