Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
