My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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