She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
