it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
