If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
