Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
