I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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