it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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