I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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