If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I yelled at your uterus for you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
