i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
