I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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