sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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