So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
