Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
