yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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