Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I supernannyed him into submission
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
