The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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