i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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