I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I currently don't understand fingers.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
