I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
