i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
