i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
