Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
