The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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