News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
