he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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