its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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