I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
