when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
