There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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