just come out here and I will go home with you...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
