life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
