It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
