not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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