I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
