I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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