O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Randomize
