batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
