U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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