do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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