I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
