Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
someone owes me an orgasm
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
