Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize