She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
