i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
