i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
