thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize