oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
