I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
